Hand in Hand
by BookwormyThings
Summary: Somethings came intertwined with others. Good often followed bad, and bad often followed good. There was no explanation for such a phenomenon...it just was. Reid and Garcia have a talk about what happened during Demons and become better friends for it.


**Title: Hand in Hand **

**Summary: Reid and Garcia share a touching moment of friendship, as they cope with the aftermath of the emotional roller-coaster that was Demons.**

**A/N: Well, hello! Here's a little something I concocted with fondness. I am in love with their friendship, and I would love to see their dynamic explored more in season 10 especially since Garcia compromised her character by killing someone for Reid. Now, that is love, the best kind of love. **

**Also, my muse has left unexpectedly, so your welcome to leave a review or send a PM of something you would like me to write about. **

**Once again I ask you to review and let me know what you think in a respectful manner (still no beta). I have published two other stories and have not had a problem thus far. I am immensely grateful of the kindness you have been showing me.**

**This is in celebration of Criminal Minds finally being on Netflix. I screamed so loud that I scared my mother into thinking something awful happened. In the coming of my happiness also comes dread, I will never be productive again. All I want is to watch it. Well, back to why you came...read and enjoy. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters. If I did have that privilege, Reid and Garcia would have more scenes together. They have amazing chemistry as demonstrated by the awesome scenes we saw in season 9.**

Reid was standing outside her door for the past 7 minutes and 27 seconds waiting for her to notice him. Nothing happened. She wasn't even typing away at her computer hacking into some top secret government system for the greater good of mankind. She was just there…staring…eyes glazed over.

7 minutes and 46 seconds.

Sill, nothing occurred. She merely sat there, glossy-eyed and vacant. She was never vacant. She always had a snippy comeback, a witty retort, to say. Her mind worked even faster than his own sometimes. No, she was never vacant.

8 minutes and 19 seconds.

She paled considerably since Reid first appeared in the doorway. He yearned to say something, but he knew that look plastered on her face all too well. He was more than aware she was no longer here in her office surrounded by all her wonderful technology. She was far, far away in other time and place. She was no longer in the comfort of Quantico with him, so he waited for her. Waited for her to slowly come back to him. Come back to her family.

8 minutes and 56 seconds. 8 minutes and 57 seconds…58…59.

9 minutes had passed and still nothing.

Reid ambled his way over to her carefully as not to disturb her and her waking nightmare. He just silently pulled up a chair and waited for her to come back to reality for he knew touching her, calling out her name, would not help. It would just startle her, make her yelp in surprise, bring her out too soon. Fighting your demons was usually a battle you fight on your own. Reid knew that. Boy, did he know that, but that wasn't going to stop him from trying to snatch the sword from her just so he could slay the dragons on her behalf. He loved her and he needed to make sure she was okay.

9 minutes and 37 seconds.

Reid sped through all his thoughts mapping out what exactly he wanted to say to her and how he wanted to say it.

9 minutes and 49 seconds.

He should mention Phillip Dowd, his first kill. Maybe tell her about the nightmares and how they affected his mood, his habits and his relationships. Maybe give her some advice. He should speak about Lindsey and her father and maybe…

She began shaking and crying completely halting Reid's thought process.

10 minutes and 3 seconds.

Enough of time has passed for Reid to say something. Her salty tears cleansed her face from all the colorful makeup she caked on that morning. The room looked bland; she look bland. Dull, almost lifeless. No one should look like that, especially not her. As 10 minutes and a half passed, Reid slowly covered her hands with his long, slim but strong fingers. Squeezing her hands gently, Reid whispered sweet words of comfort into her ear...softly reassuring her where she was and who she was.

"Garcia, it's Reid. You need to relax. Just breathe and listen to the sound of my voice. Nothing else exists just you and I. Right now, that's all that matters. Everything else means nothing." She began to calm down, so Reid continued, "Wherever you are, it is not real. We are in your office in Quantico. You are not there. That is not happening. It is not real. Come back to me. I am real. You can feel me holding your hand. You can hear my voice, loud and clear. Focus on that. Everything else will disappear, if you focus on what you know is actually here. Focus on me."

Her breathing stabilized, but Reid never let go of her hands. He never stopped telling her to concentrate on him, "That's it, Garcia. Just like that, breathe and relax. Focus on the sound of my voice...the feeling of my hands."

The color on her cheeks returned and she fluttered her eyes open. Looking straight at him, Garcia kept breathing normally. Not letting go, Reid matched her breathing and cooed for her to copy him, "Repeat after me. That was not real. It didn't happen."

Tear still staining her cheeks, she repeated in a monotone voice, "That was not real. It didn't happen."

Time stood still. Tough Reid knew that was scientifically impossible, that inaccurate description captured the feeling of the moment so perfectly he had no choice but to say it...time stood still. Everything blurred, as he watched his friend try to find peace once again.

11 minutes and 35 seconds.

She will never have that peace again, and as Reid acknowledged that his heart began to ache. She should not have to live with that. No one really should but especially not her. No one should have to live with such sorrow weighing on their minds. No one should have to carry on with a guilt so great you will never know the comfort of a dream, but humanity is rarely that simple. Somethings came intertwined with others. Good often followed bad, and bad often followed good. There was no explanation for such a phenomenon...it just was.

Reid embraced that part of life years ago, his anger disappeared with his acceptance, but as he witnessed his dear friend suffer the same fate he did all those years ago that frustration resurfaced with vengeance. Garcia did not deserve this...he should not be offering comfort to her like this. She should be able to live in her bubble of figurines and beauty and innocence. But she wasn't living in that bubble, and he was offering that comfort.

Life is not fair to those it should be fair too. It's why they all have jobs doing what they do. It's why he decided to apply to the academy and try to do the world some good by being a FBI agent.

12 minutes and 17 seconds.

Silence pulsed in the air. Both Reid and Garcia felt it throb, and not one of them could say anything. An agreement formed between the two of them...Garcia's episode would stay between the two of them. No one else had to know besides the two geniuses in the room, yet Reid could not let this go. He knew that he would not share a word about this, but he held an obligation to make Garcia better and say something.

12 minutes and 32 seconds.

Reid didn't let go of her hands causing Garcia to really look at his face. Worry oozed out of his every pore, and it was plain to see. Garcia who was not a profiler could see it on his face. The question hung in the air without being asked..."Are you okay?"

Garcia painted a smile as best she could and replied to Reid'd unspoken question with cheeriness obviously falsified for his benefit, "Reid, you can let go of my hands, now. I am perfectly okay, my sweetness. You came here needing something for the ultimate tech goddess that is moi, so..." She slid back into fighting position in front of her computers before continuing, "Hit me with it Boy Wonder. What do ya need?"

Reid sat there still pondering exactly what he wanted to say and settled for, "I need you to be honest with me, Penelope. I know exactly the game your playing and let me be the first to tell you that you won't win. You can't win, so what I need from you is the truth when I ask you..Are you okay?"

13 minutes and 4 seconds.

Garcia couldn't say anything, but she kept her mouth wide open. She knew eventually one of her friends, her family, would say something. In her head, it was always J.J. or Morgan. Sometimes when she tried hard enough, she could picture Rossi or Hotch knocking on her door. Never did she dare imagine Reid would be the first to notice, the first to call her out, but she should have. Reid understood her predicament more than anyone. He was there, and she and he were very much alike.

But he almost died (again) and Blake left, so she thought her mental health was not at the top of anyone's list of priorities especially not his. He needed to focus on his own recovery and health, make sure he doesn't fall of the wagon. Reid could not afford to put her in front of everything else, yet he did.

13 minutes and 25 seconds.

Reid's stare burned into her soul. At that moment, Garcia knew she could not, should not, and would not lie to him. She just blurted out the first thing that came to mind that was relevant hoping Reid would lead the conversation in the right direction, "I called Emily, right after, hoping she could help me or something. It didn't. I mean she really couldn't. I tried telling her, but every time I got close I couldn't...the words, they'd get stuck, mid-sentence." She paused for a second breathing slowly before she jumped into another detail, "I'm scared that I'm losing it, Spencer. I surround myself with happy things with color and sparkle thinking they would combat the ugly, balance out all the bad stuff we see. It used to be enough, but now I just..." She halted again, her head down and hands up on either side with her fingers spread. "I see myself shooting that guy and failing. I see you dying, and it's scary. Watching you die again without me doing anything about it. Then, it changes. I see myself shooting him and I succeed. You're safe and well and it's all fine and dandy. It's just that I just killed someone, and I liked it. I see myself in the interrogation room confessing to so many murders. I see myself covered in blood. I see myself and I don't like what I see..." Garcia finally moved her head to see Reid's reaction to her mangled up declaration asking, "Does any of this makes sense, because I haven't explained it to anybody and never thought I would." She saw nothing but someone who listened to her nonsense without judgement for he comprehended every word.

14 minutes and 44 seconds.

Reid nodded at her question adding, "It doesn't matter if it all makes sense and I understand it. All that's important is that you feel that way, and it's bothering you that you are. But if it means that much to you, I do get. I understand." His voice rung with a serene sincerity that it calmed Garcia from her panic, and with that tranquility he carried on saying, "Look, I won't spew out statistics or facts. I won't try to fix you or coerce you into saying something you don't want to share. I won't use Jedi mind tricks or my profiler skills. I will just sit here and listen to you. I will give you advice as best as I can like a friend should. That's it. So...Are you okay, Garcia?"

Holding his gaze, Garcia answered, "No...I don't know, actually. For the first time, I can't use my awesome super power to do something for myself. I grieve by being the best techie sex kitten ever, but that isn't working anymore. I don't know what to do. My computers are everything and all of you are my family, but it's getting to be too much for me. I don't know, if I can do this job for much longer. How can someone not crack under pressure doing what we're doing?"

Reid let go of the stare and stood up from his seat. He began pacing searching for an adequate answer to such a loaded and difficult question.

15 minutes and 39 seconds.

There was no sufficient answer to that particular question. Reid didn't know what made him better equipped to handle this job than Elle or Gideon. He didn't know why, Blake couldn't do this job anymore when he still could. He could not figure out what made Emily leave but Hotch stay. There was no real answer to the question...nothing could quite embody all that it implied.

15 minutes and 53 seconds.

Reid stopped pacing and went back to the chair he sat in just a minute ago. He looked right into Garcia's eyes and spoke plainly, "There really isn't an answer. I don't know what makes me different from all those who have left this job, who tried and failed to do what I do. I don't know and I don't think we're suppose to know. What I can tell you is how I learned to live with all of it. I see all the people we help and how they keep living. So many of them come up to me and thank me for what I'm doing. They tell me how they would be dead without me. They tell me because of me they can live for another day. Their smiles bring me all the peace I need. And every time I get a nightmare or I feel like I'm drowning, I just remember their words of gratitude and their bright smiling faces when they see a loved one. That's how I live with it. That's how I am able to carry on, despite all the bad stuff we see and do."

Silence fell as soon as Reid's words were no longer vibrating in the air leaving Garcia able to contemplate what he just stated.

16 minutes and 33 seconds.

She parted her lips to continue on her inquiry, "I still don't know, if I can do this. I meant what I said back then...knowing I saved your life made it better, makes it better. I would do it again in a heartbeat, and that's what scares me. That I know I would do it again, despite the guilt I'm feeling...the sadness. I would do it again."

Reid reached out for her hands once more and gave her the biggest smile, "Thank you. I never imagined I could be this grateful to one person, but I am. Thank you, because you did something for me that goes against everything you believe in. You love me that much, and I will never be able to repay you. I hope one day I can somehow make it better for you, because I am a constant reminder of what you have done and you haven't pushed me away. Instead of doing that, you trap yourself in this room filled with your magical items that make you feel better. Penelope Garcia, I owe you my life. Thank you." Reid stopped his monologue for a instant then kept going, "If that's not enough for you to keep going, I'm sorry. I failed as a friend, and I hope you can forgive me one day."

17 minutes and 2 seconds.

Garcia stayed quiet and Reid took the opportunity to give her one last thought, "Look, life isn't fair. Sometimes to be the hero, you have to be the bad guy too. Sometimes to save someone's life, you have to end someone else's. Sometimes, you have to make that impossible decision. Because you are right, there has to be a balance in the world. The human in us needs it, craves it almost. You want to do some good, well, usually that leads to some bad. Stuff like this, Garcia, can't be avoided forever." Pausing for moment, Reid tried to collect himself before resuming his speech, "You can't live a happy life without pain and guilt and sorrow and anger and disappointment. You just can't. But know this...the fact that you feel fear and guilt because you killed a man to save someone you love just proves to me that you are genuinely the best person I know. You still have your humanity, your ability to feel. Never let go of that Penelope, because the moment you do it's when you start to transform into the monsters we hunt down. Light cannot be without darkness. Opposites thrive in the existence of one another: fear within naivety; guilt within honor; and death within life. For you to avoid all the negative aspects of being human, you have to live without all the good things that can happen. You feel the pain that comes with taking life, but it's also okay to allow yourself to feel the joy in saving the life of a friend. It doesn't make you a bad person, if you do. These things just go together."

17 minutes and 53 seconds.

Garcia softly smiled at Reid and said, "Okay."

Reid knew it was not over. She would still have flashbacks and she would still have the night terrors. She would still hold on to the guilt and the fear of becoming something unrecognizable, but he hoped that all he just revealed to her made it bearable for her.

18 minutes exactly passed when Garcia finally realized Reid must have come in for something, "Hey, G-man, what did you need when you first came knocking on my tech-cave's door?"

Reid just laughed, "Oh, right. Well, we got the guy to confess to the murders. I was suppose to come in here, tell you that, and invite you to dinner."

Garcia jumped out of her chair and frantically exclaimed, "We've kept them waiting. Come on, Reid. They'll know something's up, if we don't hurry. I love them I do...I'm just not ready for them to know every little detail..."

Reid merely stood in place smiling at Garcia's ranting before announcing, "Garcia...Garcia...Garcia!" She stopped stumbling around and perked up to listen to what Reid had to say, "I texted them a while ago saying you weren't up for it volunteering myself to make sure you make it home okay. But I imagine you are hungry and after our talk that you don't want to be alone, so...how about we stop by that great little Indian place we both like, go to your apartment, and watch some Doctor Who. Series 8 is about to start and Netflix updated and added new episodes not that long ago?"

Garcia sighed and responded, "That sounds fabulous. Smith's run sound okay? I really need a good laugh."

Reid grinned and replied, "Sure, anything for you."

They walked out of Garcia's office practically holding hands, and they spent the rest of the evening laughing at the Doctor and his companions. Garcia didn't have a nightmare that night for the first time in months, and she couldn't be more grateful that her dear, thoughtful friend knew more than she ever gave him credit for in all of their acquaintance. Reid was wrong...he did pay her back for saving his life.

He paid her back in spades.


End file.
